Over the years I have often thought and in fact role played what it would be like to re-invent myself. What did re-inventing one-self, mean? The question is a very powerful and meaningful inquiry, as re-invent conjures up quite a story. I began my inquiry and fantasizing with a change of name, location, demeanor and financial status. I dreamt of living an entirely different life than the one I was living and experienced the feelings of what it would be like to live that life. Needless to say some would call this daydreaming, but for me it held a much more meaningful inquiry.
Like many other women in my position and time of life I was becoming unsettled with my lot in life, my inner stirrings were suggesting life held more than I was currently experiencing. I had been married and divorced very young, and had been blessed to find a wonderful role model for my young family, so I remarried when the children were quite young. The early years of rearing a family as most of us know is too busy for personal reflection, and self indulgence. As the years progressed though I began to question and put forward the inquiry, asking myself was this all there was, or could there be more to life?
The answers did not come rushing at me as ah ha moments, they crept up gradually as I began to investigate and ask more questions of myself. Those of us who have done this, know how painful this can be at times, as we all have our stories and personal cover-ups to justify why everything is okay the way that it is, why we don’t need to change a thing. Over time though I managed to break down the stories and so began my journey of self discovery in earnest.
Around this time, my son had attended a course that radically changed his way of seeing the world and himself. A few days after he had attended I was visiting with him, over a leisurely cup of tea, he dropped a bomb on my head when he said with as much empathy as he could muster, that I always played victim and did I realise this was what I did? Right then and there my life changed forever, I was both horrified and yet the truth of it hit me like someone had knocked me off my feet. I knew in that moment that this was exactly how my life had been, that I had constantly put myself in positions that played out my victim, ouch !!
Thank goodness for those around us that can be brutally honest, whilst wanting to be well meaning, and thank goodness that I was at a stage of knowing and openness to such a deep level of personal inquiry. To say that my life dramatically changed after this, would be an understatement as the next couple of years saw a ‘me change’ that not too many people experience.
to be continued…
